WHAT TO DO WHEN EVERYONE IS OVER IT, BUT YOU

I'll be upfront and honest with you: I wish I fully had the answer. I don't. At least not yet. Right now one too many things have hit me, reminded me, brought something up. I thought I was better. I can't hide from or bury it any longer.

I'll be upfront and honest with you: I wish I fully had the answer. I don't. At least not yet. Right now one too many things have hit me, reminded me, brought something up. I thought I was better. I can't hide from or bury it any longer.

The new snow outside today helps me pretend it's still winter. I still feel like I'm a month behind the rest of the world from when time stood still for me.

My son turned 4 months. It's getting harder and harder to pretend he's still small. To reassure myself he won't be big for a while still. The inevitable is coming closer.

I saw a post on Instagram. The child of a family I didn't know, but still have come to love, died from infantile cancer. The mother is my age. It was her second son as well.

My brain tries to reassure me: "Things could have been worse. Your boy is here, alive and healthy."

I know it's true, and I am ever so grateful it was me not him. Yet some how I'm still afraid... afraid he will be next...afraid if something ever does happen to him it will all have been for nothing...and then I feel terrible for thinking that. I know it doesn't help, but it still pops up sometimes.

I know these are lies. On my best days I don't even think them. But lately, one after another they pop up.

My side is still in pain. I can lie on it now, but still not too long, not fully like normal. With the pain comes flashbacks.

I look better. I can do things like normal. On the outside to most my life is normal now. I try to say it is too. I'm so glad to be back. But some how I'm still longing for that first month or so of recovery when my sole focus was healing.

Isn't it ironic how good most of us are as humans at always wanting what we don't have. Back then I wanted my life back. Now it's back and I want the freedom to heal still?

Now life is back. Isn't it ironic how good most of us are as humans at always wanting what we don't have. Back then I wanted my life back. Now it's back and I want the freedom to heal still.

My friends ask how I'm doing. My family tries to help. My husband tries to understand the best he can, but he doesn't fully get it.

I can tell, for many it's hard to see what the problem still is. To others they just don't know what to do.

And I don't blame them. I've been there before. I've had the thought "come on surely things are better now, look around. Why aren't you over this?"

Why aren't you over this. The over lying thought above it all, closely follow by what's wrong with you.

My body doesn't feel fully mine. I'm still detached; desperate to protect myself. As if somehow letting EVERYTHING go will leave me open to hurt again.

Too much of me is still numb. Physically where the scars are, though mentally too. I have a bit of a fog that often lingers over, like things have been blocked out from my memory.

Perhaps the greatest sense is a feeling of my brain still trying to figure out what the heck happened!?

I can tell you what happened. I know all the facts. The pain is still there, and the memories are there. And yet, it's like going in for surgery: suddenly it seems like I've missed something.

I worry about how all of this will effect me. Effect my family. Not just now, but in the future. Will it change my relationship with my son? After all, we were all effected. We all had some form of trauma. I wasn't the only one damaged by things going wrong.

Missing the actual birth of my son because I was knocked-out is perhaps the most difficult. And even as I write all this I hear myself think "Come on. Get over this. It's not a big deal. What are you whining about."

I try to let myself feel. I know it's the key to heal. Then there's that little word; three small seemingly insignificant letters which keep me going. Yet.

I may not have the answers- yet. I may not fully be myself- yet.

In that one word is the hope that one day I will.

One day I will be able to look back without feeling my head start to spin and my stomach begin to churn.

One day I will be able to enjoy and connect fully with my body again. To feel each sensation run through me.

One day I will no longer feel that I am behind. That time is off, and thus feeling as though it is moving too quickly.

Perhaps the most comforting thought, is the thought "what if nothing went wrong?" " What if this was exactly how things were meant to go?" " What if this isn't something damaging you, damaging your son, your family... What if instead it was shaping each of you to be more of your true best self."

Perhaps the most comforting thought, is the thought "what if nothing went wrong?" " What if this was exactly how things were meant to go?" " What if this isn't something damaging you, damaging your son, your family... What if instead it was shaping each of you to be more of your true best self."

I like these thoughts. I was blessed and am grateful to have had peace and seen some of the evidence of this even while I was going through it all. Now, more and more they become the dominant ones and the evidence of their truth builds.

For now I give myself grace. I give myself permission to take whatever time it takes. I am in no hurry. This process these feelings are almost like a dear friend now, caring me through.

It doesn't matter if for others the event is past. I don't need them to understand. They can't fully, even if they wanted and no matter how hard they try.

And that's okay. It doesn't mean they don't care. And it doesn't mean I did something wrong, or that something is wrong with me.

All it means is for me at least, it's not over- yet. And that's okay.

Quick Start Tip: What is something in your life that could benefit from adding the word "yet". Try to add it every time you think or talk about that things in your life. Maybe it's I'm not the weight I want to be, yet. My home isn't organized like I want, yet. I don't have the relationships I want, yet. In other areas, how could your life be better by choosing the thought... "what if nothing went wrong". Try it on. How does it change the way you feel?

Share your experiences in the comments below. I always love to hear from you!